


love me harder (you'll never love yourself)

by Bekka911



Series: i loved you too much [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Arguing, Good Sibling Alec Lightwood, Hurt Jace Wayland, Hurt Simon Lewis, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry, M/M, Simon Lewis & Alec Lightwood Friendship, They're both hurting, also Simon nearly dies, look they're both just in pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 15:02:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20229805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bekka911/pseuds/Bekka911
Summary: Jace is good at hurting the people around him when he's in pain. Simon has his own inner demons to face. Alec is just worried about them both.





	love me harder (you'll never love yourself)

**Author's Note:**

> Well this turned out way longer than I expected. Whoops!

“Your _parabatai_ is scary,” Simon muttered to Jace, eyeing Alec as he strode across the floor of the Institute. “Look, even other shadowhunters are literally tripping over themselves to get out of his way.”

Jace snorted lightly, watching his brother pull aside a shadowhunter nearly twice his age and scold him with a completely calm face. The other shadowhunter's lips thinned and his face went red with embarrassment and anger. Alec said a few more scolding words and then turned on his heel. Almost on impulse, he glanced up to where Simon and Jace were sprawled on the upper walkways. Instantly, Simon’s fingers twitched away from where they’d been resting - right beside Jace’s hand.

Jace frowned, and Alec looked away again.

“Sorry,” Simon murmured sheepishly, moving his hand back so that his fingers brushed against Jace’s palm. “I just don’t want him to rip my fingers off or something.”

Jace softened slightly, and linked his pinky with Simon’s. “Alec wouldn’t do that,” he said reassuringly. “He’d just straight-up murder you. He isn’t really into torture.”

“Thank Jace, that really helps.”

“Anything for my boyfriend.”

It was almost unnoticeable, the way Simon stiffened - if Jace hasn't spent his entire life training his reflexes and senses, he would have missed it. It hurt him how vehemently Simon denied their relationship in public. Behind closed doors, when it was just the two of them, the vampire was the more tactile and affectionate one, always stealing a kiss or snagging Jace in a tight hug. In public, it was like he didn’t even recognise their relationship.

Jace had watched Alec enough to recognise the fear and devastation that plagued Simon It broke his heart.

He tried for a soft smile, and Simon gave him one back, but both of them knew that something had shifted in the air. They both knew that they’d have to talk about it, and that it would hang over them both until they did, but it was too raw right now. 

“Okay,” Jace said quietly, even though Simon hadn’t spoken. 

But Simon softened anyway, because they both knew that they were two fractured people trying to be whole together, and they would never be fully okay. 

“How does he _do_ that?” Simon breathed, attention back on Alec. Jace rolled his eyes and huffed, but he watched Simon fondly as his vampire boyfriend admired Alec from afar. “Seriously Jace, if your brother wasn’t taken and didn’t hate me, I’d go there.”

“Alec doesn’t hate you,” Jace said. “He just...dislikes pretty much everybody unless you’re family.”

“And Magnus,” Simon added.

Jace laughed. “Yeah,” he agreed, “and Magnus.”

It was almost unfair how happy Alec was with his warlock boyfriend. For too many years, Jace had watched his _parabatai_ hurt inside, and he’d been able to do _nothing_. He’d been well aware of Alec’s feelings towards him and had hoped that by being the biggest, most ignorant dick ever he could’ve gotten his brother to shake those feelings.

It hadn’t worked and both of them had felt all the worse for it. Until Alec met Magnus, and then suddenly his smiles were bright enough to rival the sun and all Jace felt across the bond was sheer happiness. Even with Clary, Jace hadn’t experienced that unlimited _joy_.

Even with Simon, there was still an undercurrent of hurt and bitterness. Maybe Jace just wasn’t fated to be happy. Maybe there was just no way for somebody to love his pain away.

“Hey.” Simon adjusted their hands until he could slide his fingers in between Jace’s and hold on tightly. “Come back.”

Jace’s lips quirked upwards and he fought the urge to just lean forward and kiss his boyfriend senseless. “Sorry,” he said, gripping Simon’s hand tightly. “I’m sorry.”

“You keep going away lately,” Simon said lightly, his gaze searching. Worry was spreading through those wide eyes of his, and Jace felt guilt surge through him. “What’s upsetting you?”

Jace looked at him for a long moment, taking in the stark trust and affection on Simon’s face. There was no question about whether the vampire loved him - even though neither of them had said the words. Jace felt safe with Simon, he felt at peace. That was why it hurt him so much that he couldn’t let go of his own silly, selfish fears. Simon had ripped his own insecurities and darker parts out and shown them to Jace, and now the shadowhunter couldn’t do the same. He wondered if Simon detested him for it in some small way; Jace claimed to trust him and yet he _didn’t_ at the same time.

“Sorry,” Jace said again, looking away. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Simon hummed softly, but he didn’t push and Jace was grateful. Without thinking, he lifted his hand up to cup Simon’s cheek as he pressed their lips together in a chaste kiss. Simon’s eyes fluttered closed as he kissed back.

Until he made a small, distressed noise and pulled away. Jace let out a heavy breath as realisation hit him.

“I-” Simon glanced around wildly before fixing his eyes just beyond Jace. Horror flared to life in his expression, before he was scrambling to his feet without looking at Jace. “I gotta go.”

Jace nodded, and then Simon was gone. Jace clicked his mouth shut and glared at the ground, scrubbing at his face in frustration. He always had to push, always had to take it too far. He’d _known_ Simon hated to show affection in public, and yet Jace had kissed him. Stupid, _stupid_-

“Hey.” Alec’s voice was warm, and Jace immediately pushed his feelings deep, deep down. 

Taking a breath and plastering a grin on his face, he turned around to face his _parabatai_. “Hey Alec. You having fun terrorising the recruits?”

Alec’s answering smile was sharp. He glanced around, lips pulling down as he frowned. “I thought the vampire was up here with you.”

Jace swallowed, finding it difficult to meet Alec’s eyes. “Yeah he was. I think he heard you coming and bolted. Apparently he finds you very scary, and yet unbelievably attractive.”

Alec looked equal parts uncomfortable and amused. “He thinks I’m attractive?”

“I believe his exact words were _‘seriously Jace, if your brother wasn’t taken and didn’t hate me, I’d go there,’_” Jace said, imitating Simon’s voice in a ridiculous pitch. Alec wrinkled his nose. “He’s quite impressed with your ability to scare other shadowhunters just by the way you hold yourself.”

Alec flushed slightly, sitting heavily beside Jace. It was nice, sitting side by side like they had in the old days. Jace almost said something about it and then bit his tongue. “I don't know why he thinks I hate him,” Alec said, looking honestly confused. “I mean, yeah I find him annoying, but I have to admit he’s grown on me.”

“Aw,” Jace said teasingly. “Does the big bad shadowhunter admit to liking a vampire?”

“Jace, I’m in love with a warlock,” Alec deadpanned. “I’m _dating_ a warlock. It doesn’t matter _what_ Simon is. It’s more that he’s _Simon_.” 

“Fair point,” Jace conceded, relaxing into Alec’s side. He felt tired suddenly, like he’d been awake for hours. He also couldn’t stop picturing the horror he’d seen on Simon’s face before his boyfriend had fled. Thinking about it, it made sense - Simon had been able to sense Alec’s approach. 

Still, Jace hated that Simon felt so threatened by the older Lightwood sibling. Alec would never sabotage their relationship. 

Alec shifted slightly and lifted a hand to play with Jace’s hair. “What’s going on?” He asked gently. “The bond is going a little weird.”

“Weird?” Jace repeated sharply, tensing up again. 

Alec ran a hand through Jace’s hair soothingly. “Calm down, it’s okay. I’ve just noticed that your emotions seem to be fluctuating and heightened. Sometimes you’ll be really...down, and then suddenly you’ll just light up and I’ll feel nothing but happiness from you for a while. Then equally as suddenly, you’ll be radiating something sour and negative. I’m worried.”

Jace didn’t answer right away, just closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Alec’s fingers in his hair. He let it soothe him back into relaxation. Alec’s side of the _parabatai_ bond was calm and tranquil, and Jace let it hush his twisted mess of feelings.

“I’ve found someone,” he said eventually, and Alec’s heartbeat picked up slightly. 

“Oh?”

“He’s the reason I’ll suddenly be really happy for a while. He’s just...shy. He doesn’t like to be open about our affection. He’s also worried that you guys won’t approve of him.” Jace licked his lips, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. Panic was creeping in, an irrational fear that made his skin prickle. Maybe he shouldn’t tell Alec. Maybe his brother really _wouldn’t_ approve of Simon as Jace’s boyfriend. Maybe-

Alec tugged on a piece of hair. “Hey, calm down. You know that I’m the last person who would judge you for who you’re dating.”

But that wasn’t the problem. Jace didn’t really know what the problem _was_, but he knew that it wasn’t about Alec judging him. He knew Alec loved him too much to shun someone who made him happy. It was just...he didn’t _know_ and it was frustrating. He wanted to show Simon off, wanted to be open about their relationship but _Simon_ didn’t seem to want that and Jace was scared that if he told Alec now, then he and Simon wouldn’t recover.

“I can’t tell you who he is yet,” Jace said quietly, careful not to meet Alec’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Alec never stopped running his hand through his _parabatai’s_ hair. “It’s okay,” he said, equally as quietly.

It wasn’t quite okay, but Jace was too tired to say anything else.

.

Simon really doesn’t know how to approach Alec without fucking dying. Again. Death was getting a bit repetitive really. But he knew that Alec would not hesitate to _stab_ him if he said the wrong thing, and Simon was really worried about being stabbed and so he said nothing.

He knew it was hurting Jace. He knew that his own reluctance to touch his boyfriend in public was killing Jace inside, but he couldn’t help it. There had been too many times in the past where he’d done the wrong thing in front of the wrong people and something in him hadn’t quite healed. 

Jace would forgive him with time.

Besides, he really was trying to pull himself together. He was simply terrified of Alec Lightwood. Why? Because Alec Lightwood was a scary person who didn’t like Simon very much.

“You look like you’re holding your breath, except I know you don’t really breathe.” Clary’s voice was a blend of amused and worried, and Simon flexed his fingers before he turned around to face her. 

Things had been awkward between them for a while, and he really didn’t know when it started or why. All he knew was that she hadn’t looked at him the same once they’d broken up. Not as her brother, not as her best friend, not with love. It was like she’d known him once, in a different world, and now she looked at him and she didn’t see _him_ anymore.

The thought was more accurate than he’d like to admit.

“Hey Clary,” he said conversationally, plastering a great wide smile on his face. “I honestly did not hear you coming.”

She eyed him strangely before nodding. “Right. Anyway, you seen Jace anywhere? I need to talk to him.”

Simon felt a hot ball of something gather in his throat, and for a moment he wanted to scream at her that he and Jace were dating, and that she couldn’t have either of them anymore. Instead, he just shrugged. “I don’t know, sorry.”

Clary lingered awkwardly for a moment, opening her mouth as if she wanted to say something more before she managed a small, “goodbye,” and spun on her heel, hurrying off. Simon watched her go with a bitter ache in his chest and the sour taste of disappointment on his tongue.

“It’s surprisingly hard to find you, vampire,” someone said from behind him, and Simon whirled around, fangs bared. Alec’s blue eyes widened, and he raised his hands slightly. “Easy,” he said calmly. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”

_Oh my g_\- Simon choked on the word, even though it was in his head, and snapped his teeth back up into his gums. “I’m so sorry!” he gasped, desperately trying to keep his hands from trembling as he gripped his jeans. “I didn’t mean-I-It’s-”

“Simon,” Alec said almost-gently, “I’m fine. You’re fine.”

Simon let out a breath, squeezing his closed for a moment to try and quell the panic rising up in his throat. Blinking his eyes open again, he found that he couldn’t _quite_ meet Alec’s blue eyes. He settled for staring at his cheek. “Sorry,” he said again. “What did you need?”

Alec gave him a searching look, before sighing. “Alright. Look, it’s about Jace.” Immediately, Simon tensed up. “Do you know something? He says he’s dating someone, but I’m worried. The bond keeps flicking between emotions, and it’s not all positive.”

Oh _fuck_. Simon sort of stared at Alec for a moment, his brain short-circuiting. Alec thought something was _wrong_? “O-Oh,” he stammered, frowning. He couldn’t make sense of his emotions right now, and he felt sort of frozen in place. “I, uh, I don’t know. I mean, I guess we’re not exactly friends, you know? I don’t think I have any friends anymore, and you don’t want to hear this - I’m sorry for taking up your time, I know you’re really busy-”

“Simon, shut up.”

“Alright.”

The vampire shifted on his feet as Alec appraised him, blue eyes serious. The was something odd on the shadowhunter’s face, a kind of softened fondness that made Simon’s skin prickle. Alec wasn’t _nice_ to Simon, Alec wasn’t _fond_ of Simon. So what was this? Why did Alec look so concerned?

Alec cleared his throat, and some of the softness drained away from his face. “Watch out for him?” He asked, and Simon dipped his head in agreement. Alec almost smiled. “He’ll make it hard for you, god knows he hates to be looked after, but I think he might listen to you.”

“Sure thing,” Simon agreed, trying to sound cheerful. He really just sounded strained. 

Alec lifted his hand as if to put it on Simon’s shoulder, but then seemed to think better of it and dropped his arm again. He looked slightly uncomfortable. “Listen, Jace told us all about what you told him. I just wanted to say that we don’t think differently of you just because you’re a vampire.”

Simon couldn’t stop himself from saying, “you hated me as a mundane too so I’m really not bothered.” Alec’s face went blank. Simon mentally kicked himself. That was not the right thing to say to someone who could probably tear his arms off. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he said, wincing.

“Please just keep an eye on my _parabatai_,” Alec said, turning away. Simon watched him walk away, the same way he’d watched Clary walk away, and wondered why he stayed here. He’d lost his best friend, and he’d never get Alec’s approval.

The only thing keeping him here was Jace, and Simon wondered if their tenuous relationship would be strong enough to hold him together.

.

It all came to head on a patrol. 

After weeks of tiptoeing around Clary, trying his hardest to get Alec to show some sign of approval only to receive demands about whether or not Jace was happy yet, and Jace himself acting skittish about both Alec and his relationship with Simon. It all came to an end on a stupid _patrol_.

Because Jace and Simon were arguing.

“I’m sick of you _hovering_,” Jace hissed angrily, his voice dripping with pure fury. “What, suddenly I can’t take care of myself?”

“Alec said the bond is being weird,” Simon snapped back. “Sorry for being a concerned boyfriend.”

Jace puffed out his cheeks in aggravation. “So you’re only my boyfriend when _Alec_ asks? Is your crush on him really that big?”

Low blow. It was a low blow, and Simon’s lips thinned. “_That was a joke!_” he seethed.

Jace rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t a funny one.”

“I’m so _sick_ of you acting like your some big bad boy, Jace. Instead of pretending, how about you actually let me talk to _you_ and we can be a healthy couple?”

“A _healthy couple_ doesn’t hide their relationship from their family!” Jace abruptly stopped walking and jabbed his finger into Simon’s chest. “That was _your_ choice.”

“Don’t pin this back on me!”

“Why not? I thought you liked being the center of attention?” Jacce said cruelly. “You know, because Clary is the more popular one and so you scramble for someone to notice you in some small way? I mean fuck, I dated Clary before I even spared you a thought.”

Simon froze, the fire in his eyes sputtering out. He took a step backwards, unable to form words because the cold smile was still on Jace’s face and Simon felt as though his unbeating heart was shattering. 

_So this was heartbreak._

“Just because you’re looking for a fight,” Simon said, voice shaking, “doesn’t mean you have to lash out at people who love you. That’s how you end up lonely and bitter. Maybe that’s why you’re the way you are - fathers abandoning their children usually _messes_ something up.”

Jace’s fist struck his jaw hard enough to crack Simon’s head backwards, and the vampire laughed wildly, because now his body was hurting as much as his dead heart. “You shut the fuck up,” Jace spat, aiming another punch, but Simon leapt backwards and out of reach, baring his fangs. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know a thing or two about absent fathers,” Simon said, dodging Jace’s sloppy attempts at punches. The shadowhunter was too upset to even fight properly. Simon was almost sympathetic. “At least I can argue without crying as soon as someone turns the tables on me.”

Jace roared, and his eyes flared gold. Simon just jumped straight up, anticipating Jace’s attempt to follow him. Lashing out quickly, Simon grabbed Jace’s outstretched arm and twisted, causing Jace to cry out as something cracked. The bone wasn’t broken; an _iratze_ could heal the hairline fracture. Simon still felt guilt well up inside him. 

Jace landed heavily on his side, scrambling to get to his feet and holding his arm to his chest. “And so the monster is revealed,” he taunted, and Simon’s eyes widened. With a snarl, he leapt.

Straight over Jace’s head.

Stunned, Jace whirled around just in time to see Simon cough up blood, the demon’s claws cutting almost clean through his stomach. If Simon hadn’t jumped in the way, Jace would have been skewered. And he wouldn’t have healed. 

Jace let out a cry and charged, freeing his seraph blade and whispering, ‘Lilah’. The blade glowed blue, humming as Jace sliced through the first demon without trouble. The second one, the one that had stuck it’s claw into Simon, was crouched over the vampire and was hissing. Jace hissed back and charged.

It was over too quickly to be satisfying.

Simon groaned from where he was sprawled on the ground, and more blood poured past his lips. “Damn,” he wheezed weakly. “For a body that isn’t alive anymore, there’s still a lot of blood. Enough to pour out even without a heart to pump it.”

Jace let out a broken laugh, falling to his knees beside his boyfriend. “Are you seriously talking about biology?” He choked out, ripping his leather arm guards off and shoving his arm under Simon’s nose. “C’mon, if you drink now you’ll heal and we can go back to the Institute.”

Simon rolled his head away, looking out towards the darkening skyline. “No,” he murmured. “Just let me die here. I mean, I’m the least popular remember? Everyone loves Clary and I scramble for scraps of attention? Yeah well, this is me not trying to get attention. If I die here, then all your problems are solved.”

“Simon, you have to know I didn’t mean any of those things.”

Simon snorted, and blood gurgled in his throat. “Jace, babe, you never mean any of the angry things you say when you’re hurting. Doesn’t mean you weren’t right.”

“Simon, no.”

“Simon yes. I won’t drink from you, Jace. I won’t save myself. Just...tell Alec I did this for you, yeah? Maybe I’ll get his approval in death.”

“After all this, and you’re still only seeking Alec’s approval?” Jace shook his head, a hysterical laugh bubbling up and spilling out his mouth. “Silly vampire, Alec already adores you. He just doesn’t want to show it because it would tarnish his reputation. All you had to do was ask, not impress him. He’ll be pised with you for leaving me alone. It’ll make me sad, you know, if you die. And Alec hates me being sad.”

Simon grinned, his teeth stained with blood, before his head tipped back and he made small whining noises.

He was dying.

Jace swore and yanked out his phone, hurriedly dialling the only person he could think of. While the phone rang, Jace pressed his shaking hand to Simon’s forehead, messing with the brown hair that curled haphazardly across Simon’s face.

Finally, there was a click and a grumpy voice snapped, “What?”

“Magnus,” Jace sighed, relieved, his voice thick with tears. “Magnus, you have to come. Simon...He-There was a demon and...Magnus he’s _dying_.” His voice broke. 

Immediately the annoyance disappeared from Magnus’s voice and the warlock sounded nothing but professional. “Can you feed him some of your blood?” 

Jace almost sobbed. “He won’t take it. Magnus, I was so _horrible_ to him.”

“Well, you do have a talent for hurting other people when you’re hurting. Where are you, buttercup?”

Jace told him the name of the park, and then it all became a bit of a blur. A Portal opened somewhere near him, and two figures hurried through. One went straight for Simon, and Jace recognised Magnus as the warlock crashed to his knees and hovered his hand over the unconscious vampire. The other figure, who Jace figured out was Alec, immediately pulled Jace onto his feet and crushed him into a hug.

Jace clutched his _parabatai_ tightly, and took shuddering breaths. “He wanted your approval,” he breathed into Alec’s soft jumper. Alec shushed him gently, but Jace had to confess his sins to _someone_. “He wasn’t comfortable being affectionate in public until he knew he had your approval and I threw it in his face and-and I was just so _horrible_ and now he might be _dead_, Alec.”

Alec cupped Jace’s head with a hand. “He’ll be okay,” he promised. Somehow Jace believed him.

“We have to get him back to the loft,” Magnus said, voice strained and eyes flickering yellow. “I can heal him, but it’s going to take a lot and I can’t do it here. Alec, help me.”

And so Jace just watched helplessly as Alec lifted Simon into his arms and carried him through the still-glimmering Portal. Magnus gently coaxed Jace through after him and when the loft came into focus, the warlock settled Jace on a spare recliner seat. 

“Alexander, on the floor,” Magnus instructed, changing into a plain pair of black slacks and an overly large black shirt with a wave of his hand. “I need space to work.”

Alec obediently laid Simon down on the floor and backed off, leaving Magnus to concentrate on his magic. With a hesitant look, he backed away and sat on the arm of the chair Jace was curled up on. “We need to call Raphael,” Alec said quietly. Jace didn’t move. “Simon is one of his, and he’ll need to know what’s happening. Do you want me to do it?”

Jace said nothing.

Alec let out a long breath, and then pulled out his phone. Jace didn’t bother listening to him, just sat and watched as sweat beaded on Magnus’s brow, Simon’s limp body glowing an eerie blue. _This was all his fault._ If he hadn’t been so _angry_, if he hadn’t spat such angry, harsh words, then maybe Simon would be okay right now. They could be cuddling on the sofa as Simon forced him to watch all the Marvel movies.

Instead, his boyfriend was nearly dead, and believed that Jace hated him. God, how had it all gone wrong so quickly? 

Alec’s hands brushed through his hair, and Jace bit his lip as he curled up tighter. God, he’d ruined everything. Simon hated him. He’d ruined Alec and Magnus’s evening, and forced this onto them. Jace was well and truly on his own in this, and he wrapped the knowledge around himself like armour. 

If Simon survived, Jace swore he was going to smother him in so much love that Simon nearly _died_. Again. Man, the whole ‘second death’ thing was trippy.

“You’re thinking too hard,” Alec said. “Go to bed. I’ll stay out here and help Magnus. Simon will be okay when you wake up, yeah? Raphael is on his way. He’s bringing blood. Everything’s okay. You need the rest.”

Jace shook his head. “How can I leave him now?” He whispered. “No, I did this. I’ll stay and wait it out.”

“Jace-”

“Fine. Jace. get over here.” Magnus clicked his fingers, not looking away from Simon. “I need strength right now. I can’t use Alec, because I need him to be able to do some heavy lifting and such. If you really want to help, then give me your hand and your strength.”

Jace nearly fell out of the chair, reaching for Magnus’s outstretched hand.

He was unconscious within minutes.

Alec gathered his parabatai in his arms and gave his boyfriend a knowing look. “You didn’t need the strength, do you?”

Magnus managed a strained smile. “I only have a bit more to do and then it’s simply a master of keeping him ‘alive’ until Rapahel gets here. It shouldn’t take too much more. So no, I didn’t need his strength, I just didn’t want him moping.”

Alec twitched his lips up and carried Jace into the spare room, settling him on the bed and gingerly tucking a blanket around him. Even in sleep, Jace’s face was troubled and Alec longed to smooth the wrinkles on his brother’s forehead. He was tempted to lay down beside Jace, and lay there with him in an attempt to offer him some silent support. But Magnus needed him.

So Alec left the room and walked back out to where Magnus was, collapsing onto the seat Jace had been curled up on. The entire evening had been exhausting. He and Magnus had been in the middle of an...energetic evening, when Jace had called. Magnus had been reluctant to answer. Funnily enough, it had been Alec who’d convinced him too.

Thank the Angel they’d gotten there in time.

Now they just had to wait.

.

Simon felt weird.

His body felt like cotton, and his skin was sensitive, and he was hungry, and he couldn’t really feel his mouth. There was blood somewhere near him, he could smell it, and he moaned hungrily. He needed it.

“Come, fledgling. You must drink.” _Raphael?_ Simon couldn’t get his throat to work, so he just let out a guttural sound and reached blindly for the presence he could feel by his side. “Yes, that’s it,” the older vampire said encouragingly. “You lost a lot of blood, and now you need to replenish it. Drink.”

And drink Simon did.

Blood burst across his tongue and he greedily sucked more and more down, letting it fill him up and give him strength and-

A hand gently pushed him away, taking away the bag of blood. “Slow down,” Raphael said, sounding amused. “You will be sick and undo your friend’s good work. You’ll be okay with a few more mouthfuls.”

Reluctantly, when the bag was pushed back to his lips, Simon only took a few more gulps before pulling away. His stomach felt tender but full and he let out a sigh as he wiped his mouth and blinked rapidly to clear his vision.

He was at Magnus’s loft.

“How did I get here?” He mumbled, shaking his head slightly. The thing he remembered was fighting with Jace and then the demon...His eyes widened and he lurched to his feet. Jace!

“Jace is fine,” Magnus said tiredly from somewhere behind him, and Simon whirled around, feeling smothered by panic. “Calm down. He called me as soon as you passed out. He’s sleeping right now.”

Oh. Simon relaxed, wrapping an arm around his middle as he tried to sort out what had happened. He and Jace had fought, and then he’d leapt for the demon and he’d been hurt and then ...nothing. He remembered nothing. 

Jace’s words still clung to him like a bad smell, and he frowned down at the floor. He felt wrong, as if his skin was stretched too tight over his bones.His head was stuffy, and his chest was hollow, and he just felt wrong. He wanted Jace, and yet he _didn’t_ want Jace. Or was it that Jace didn’t want him?

“Simon.” He startled slightly at Alec’s relieved voice. The shadowhunter reached forward and grabbed the vampire’s shoulders, scanning him. “You’re okay.”

Simon stared, frozen. “Y-Yeah,” he said nervously, because Alec Lightwood did not like Simon Lewis. And yet…”What happened?”

Alec instantly redrew his hands, but his face remained gentle and open and soft. “You saved Jace,” he said warmly. “Thank you.”

“I know what he means to you.” Simon gave Alec a thin smile, holding his stomach.

Alec just gave him a knowing look. “And I know what he means to you. You have my blessing, Simon. I’d rather you didn’t nearly _die_ for something like that in the future though. You could just _ask_.”

If he wasn’t dead, his heart would have stopped cold in his chest. Simon gaped, unable to comprehend what Alec was saying. He knew? And he still...was still glad Simon was alive? What alternate reality had he entered? “You-” He couldn’t even get the words out, or express his gratitude. He could only stand there and look shocked because he thought that Alec had despised his very being.

Alec’s lips twisted into a grin. “Jace told me.” His eyes lost their amused glimmer. “Don’t think that I’ll hurt you because you make my brother happy. If you’d told me at the start, I would have said yes.”

Simon looked at his feet. “I thought I had to get you to approve of me, as Simon Lewis, before I could even _dream_ of telling you I was dating Jace. I was so worried you wouldn’t approve of the whole thing, that I’d have to let Jace go. And I almost lost him anyway.”

“You didn’t lose me, you idiot. You just fractured my arm.” Jace’s voice was rough around the edges, but there was something warm there too and Simon immediately threw himself into his boyfriend’s waiting arms. “You glad to see then?”

“I’m so _sorry_,” Simon breathed into Jace’s shoulder. “Jace, the things I said…”

“I said things as well.” Jace let out a shaky breath. “You’re okay now and that’s what matters to me.”

Simon sought out Jace’s lips, plunging them both into a fiery kiss that said everything they couldn’t right now. _I’m okay. I love you. I’m sorry. It’s okay. I love you. I love you._

Eventually, Alec cleared his throat and Simon broke away from Jace, breathing heavily. “Don’t make a habit of that,” Alec said warningly. “I _will_ separate you on missions.”

“You’re exactly the same with Magnus,” Jace said teasingly, and his hand snuck down to entangle with Simon’s. The vampire smiled.

They were never going to be okay, but they could be okay enough.


End file.
